Darling Weekend
by ColdFusion180
Summary: Sequel to General Mayhem by Red Witch. Darling is going away on leave. What does he do? Anything but relax.
1. Getting There is Half the Fun

**Disclaimer: I do not own Blackadder.**

**

* * *

****Darling Weekend** 

_Darling is heading out of town,_

_But he's been stuck with George and Baldrick!_

_Now Darling's face has got a frown,_

_While Edmund's hoping they'll get car sick!_

_Blackadder, Blackadder,_

_You're not safe as of yet!_

_Blackadder, Blackadder,_

_Must still tend to Melchett!_

_Oh Darling, Oh Darling,_

_Get ready for some fun!_

_Oh Darling, Oh Darling,_

_Your plight has just begun!_

**Getting There is Half the Fun**

"I don't believe this!" Captain Darling grumbled as he stormed out of General Melchett's headquarters.  "I can't believe that I'm going on leave for the first time in years and that I'm taking you two idiots with me!"

"Oh come now sir.  I'm sure we'll all have a grand old time!" Lieutenant George chirped following after him.  "The three of us men going out for the weekend and painting the town red!"

"Oh, that could be a problem sir.  I didn't pack any paint brushes," Private Baldrick said walking next to George.

"Look, you are not painting anything red," Darling snapped.  "If anyone gets to paint things red it'll be me using Blackadder's blood after I'm done shooting him for landing me with you two!"

"Well bless my sainted pants!" George blinked at the large shiny car waiting for them in front of headquarters.  A private had just finished polishing the hood.  "Now that's what I call an automobile!"

"I'll take the wheel sir," Baldrick moved for the driver's seat.

"Oh no you don't!" Darling shouted and shoved Baldrick aside.  "This is the General's private car.  It took me months of sucking up to him and doing his laundry to get his permission to use it for the weekend and there's no way I'm going to let either of you drive it!"

"But I'm an excellent driver sir," Baldrick protested.  "Captain Blackadder is always complementing me on my skills."

"He is?" Darling asked surprised.

"Yeah, he says that if I keep it up I'll drive him to an early grave," Baldrick said proudly.

"Oh joy," Darling drawled and got into the driver's seat.

"This is exciting sir!" George practically leapt into the front passenger seat and squealed with glee.  "All set for a ripping good time!"

"Keep drooling on the leather and I'll rip your lungs out through your nose!" Darling snapped.  "Private!  Private get in the car and stop looking at the hubcap!"

"But sir, it's so shiny," Baldrick whined.  "Look, I can see my election in it."

"That's you're reflection private!  And if you don't get in now you'll be reflecting off the dirt road after I tie you to the chassis bottom!" Darling warned.

"Yes sir.  Sorry sir," Baldrick nodded and got in.

"All set and comfy are we sir?" Private 'Bob' Parker asked as she held her polishing rag and moved opposite the driver's seat.

"As much as I can be under the circumstances," Darling muttered starting the engine.

"Oh joy!  Here we go!  Tally-ho, view-hallo and Bob's you're uncle!" George cheered excitedly.

"I didn't know you and Private Parker were related sir," Baldrick commented to Darling.

"Oh geeze," Darling groaned. "This trip is going to be torture, I just know it."

"Have a good time sir!" Bob saluted him.

"I wouldn't count on it," Darling said pulling out and hitting the road.

* * *

"Are we there yet?" Baldrick asked as he sat in the back seat.

"For the last time no we are not!" Darling's eye twitched at the question.  "And we won't be there for at least another hour.  So stop asking me every five minutes if we're there yet!"

"Ah!  This is the life, isn't it sir?" George smiled as they drove through the countryside covered with fields and the odd horse or cow.  "Fresh air, cool breeze, the sun on your face.  Just makes you forget about the war altogether doesn't it?"

"Yes if you ignore the shell craters, wrecked planes and bombed out buildings everywhere," Darling quipped as they passed a destroyed house.  "We may be behind the lines here Lieutenant but the Germans are more than capable of launching bombing raids into the French interior."

"You think there's a chance that they'll bomb me while I'm here sir?" Baldrick asked.

"Only if I'm lucky," Darling grumbled.  "Then again if I was lucky I wouldn't be going on this stupid trip."

"Really?  I thought you were looking forward to getting away for the weekend," George commented.

"I would be if the reasons for the trip were mine to make," Darling cursed looking at the map.

"What would those reasons be sir?" Baldrick inquired.

"I'll tell you, but you must promise not to tell anyone about this.  Especially Captain Blackadder.  Got it?" Darling glared at him.

"Got it," Baldrick agreed.

"Don't worry sir, my lips are zipped!" George mimicked doing so.

"If only," Darling groaned setting the map aside.  "Here's the situation.  I'm going to visit my cousin.  He's French."

"French?" George repeated.  "I didn't know you had any French blood in you sir."

"I don't!" Darling snapped.  "He's a very distant French cousin.  Very distant.  Our families branched off sometime before the Napoleonic Era, I think."

"That's pretty distant," George blinked.

"Anyway, due to family reunions I've known him nearly my entire life," Darling explained.  "Unfortunately, he's a bit unstable and doesn't really connect to anyone except me.  His mother sent a telegram asking me to come and visit for a while and since **my** mother heard of it she insisted I go."

"Well that's jolly nice of her," George grinned.  "Aren't mothers wonderful?"

"Yes, wonderful at making my life a living nightmare," Darling hissed angrily.

"I love my mum," Baldrick piped up from the back.  "She always made sure I had enough to eat.  If she couldn't buy or beg any food she'd go garbage diving.  If that didn't work she'd bring home a couple of old leather shoes for dinner.  She'd even chew them for me first so they'd be nice and soft.  Sometimes there'd still be a foot inside the shoe so she'd throw it in a pot and..."

"Okay Private, that's enough of that," Darling looked a little green.

"And she was always giving me good advice," Baldrick continued.  "Like 'Never trust men with beards' and 'Tell someone before you clean a chimney' or 'Maggots make good butter substitute'."

"Shut up Private!" Darling shouted and nearly hit a fence post.

"Watch it sir.  I think you're getting a little tense," George warned.

"No, you think?" Darling snapped.

"Hmmm.  Try sticking you head out the side and getting a good breath of fresh air," George demonstrated taking off his hat.  "Oh I say this is fun!  Look at me!  Wheeeeee!"

"Get your empty head back in the car Lieutenant before something comes by and knocks it off!" Darling growled.  "On the other hand, wait a few seconds.  There's a stone gatepost up ahead.  I think I can get a good angle on it..."

"Maybe you'd like Baldrick you give you a good shoulder massage," George suggested.  "How about it Balders?"

"I'd be happy to comply sir," Baldrick started to reached forward.

"Lay one hand on me Private and I'll cut them off, make you eat one and the Lieutenant the other!" Darling warned.

"On second thought, we'll find something else." George gulped as Baldrick retracted his hands.  "Like...like this scenery," George swept his arm in a grand arc.  "Just look at it.  Blue sky, white clouds, golden fields.  Not another human being in sight.  Doesn't it give you some pleasant thoughts sir?"

"Yeah, I could shoot both of you, leave you here and no one would find your bodies for hours," Darling muttered dangerously.

"I know.  How about listening to the wireless for a while?" George asked.  "That'll relax you.  Get some of the tension out."

"What wireless?" Darling gave him a look.  "This is an automobile, not an electronics shop.  There's as likely to be a wireless in here as there is a motion picture machine on an aeroplane.  Having a wireless in a car, like that'll ever happen!"

"I meant this wireless sir," George said pulling out a radio.

"What?!" Darling yelped and nearly ran off the road.  "Where did you get that?"

"Well I didn't know how long the ride would take so I nabbed it off General Melchett's desk before we left," George explained.

"YOU STOLE THE GENERAL'S WIRELESS?!" Darling screamed.

"Oh I'm just borrowing it," George waved.  "I'm sure he won't mind."

"Of course he'll mind you idiot!" Darling snapped.  "Put it away now before you break it!"

"Don't worry sir, I'll be extremely careful," George assured him.  "Now let's see, how do you turn it on?"  He started fiddling with the radio.

"Stop that!" Darling tried to grab the radio from him.

"No, no, it's alright," George pulled away.  "I got it, I got it, I..." the car hit a bump and the radio went sailing over the side.  "I don't got it."

CRASH!

"AAAHHHHHH!" Darling hit the breaks and leapt out of the car.  "How could you be so stupid?!  You broke the General's wireless...YAAAHHHHHH!" He bent down and examined the door frame.  "A SCRATCH!  You scratched the General's car when you dropped it!"

"I did not!" George protested folding his arms.  "I only dropped the wireless.  I couldn't drop the car since I wasn't even holding it."

"Where is it?!"  Darling scrambled around on his hands and knees looking for the radio.  "Where did it go?!  Where did it go?!"

"There it is sir," Baldrick pointed back where the radio lay in the middle of the road.

"Thank goodness!" Darling exclaimed.  "It's still mostly intact so there's a chance it can be put back together.

"MOO!"

Three dozen large French cows crossed the road where the radio lay and trampled it beneath their feet.

SMASH!  CRUNCH!  TINKLE!

"NOOOOOO!" Darling screamed and ran towards the cows.  "GET OFF THE GENERAL'S WIRELESS YOU BLOATED BAGS OF BEEF!  THAT'S AN ORDER!"

"MOO-OOOOOO!"

"WHAT THE...OW!  OW!  OW!" Darling shrieked at the now angry herd of cows.  "YEOOOWWW!  THAT HURTS!  WHAT ARE YOU TWO IDIOTS DOING?!  OW!  COME OVER AND HELP ME!  OW!  OW!  I'M BEING MAULED BY MAD COWS!  NO!  WAIT I DIDN'T MEAN IT...AAAIIIEEEEEE!"

"Come on Balders.  Let's go help out the Captain," George said as he got out of the car.

* * *

"That wasn't so bad now was it sir?" George asked later when they were all back in the car driving down the road.

"Be...quiet," Darling managed to speak despite the throbbing in his jaw and the lump on his tongue.  He also had a black eye, a swollen ankle and was covered in cuts and bruises.

"We did get the wireless back," George pointed out and looked in the box on his lap.  "Well at least I think we got it all back.  All the pieces we could find anyway.  But don't worry sir.  I'm sure we'll meet someone who can fix it for us."

"Grrrrrr..." Darling gripped the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turned white.

"And I got a souvenir!" Baldrick happily held up a cow horn.

"Where did you get that Private?" George asked.

"Well I went up to one of the cows that was beating on the Captain," Baldrick explained.  "It turned towards me and took a good whiff.  Then its horns fell off and the cow shot off at a dead run across the field."

"I see," George nodded.  "Must have liked you and left them as a gift."

"Awww, that's sweet sir.  What a nice, pretty cow," Baldrick stroked the cow horn lovingly.

"Oh geeze," Darling moaned.  "Let's end this meeting of the Cow Lovers Club and just be quiet for the rest of the trip."

"Whatever you say sir," George grinned.  "Not a peep from now on."

"Thank goodness," Darling groaned.  "Alright we're approaching the next town.  Where's the map?"

"What map sir?" Baldrick asked.

"The map, Private!" Darling shouted.  "The big sheet of paper with lines and names on it showing us where to go!"

"The big sheet of paper with lines and names on it," Baldrick repeated.

"Yes Private," Darling hissed dangerously.  "That's the map."

"Ah," Baldrick said.  "Uh-oh."

"**Uh-oh**?" Darling twitched.  "What do you mean **uh-oh**?"

"Well I didn't want the cows attaching me when I got out, and my mum always said that giving animals something to eat is a sign of friendship so..." Baldrick began.

"YOU FEED THE MAP TO THOSE COWS?!" Darling yelled.

"I didn't know it was the map," Baldrick protested.  "And it felt kinda like an old, dried up piece of cabbage.  Kinda like the ones my mum used to feed me."

"Perfect!  Just perfect!" Darling moaned hitting his head against the wheel. "And to think I thought this car ride would be the quietest part of the trip."


	2. Family Greetings

**Family Greetings**

"Is it that one?" Baldrick asked.

"Nope," George replied.

"How about that one?" Baldrick pointed up.

"Nope, guess again," George said.

"That one?"

"Nope."

"That one?"

"Nope."

"That one?"

"Nope."

"WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!" Darling yelled with his eye twitching like mad. "It's bad enough being lost for the last three hours and not being able to ask for directions in English, but to have to listen to you idiots play 'Guess Which Star in Mine' is more than I can take!" He turned off the road onto a dirt pathway.

"I say, have we finally arrived?" George asked as they pulled in front of an old two story house.

"Yes, thank goodness," Darling sighed as he parked the car and got out. "Private, get the bags."

"What bags sir?" Baldrick asked.

"The bags Private!" Darling turned and shouted at him. "You know, luggage? The things containing your clothes, toiletries and other items?"

"Oh yeah, those," Baldrick nodded his head. "I have no need for them sir on account of all my things not being in a bag."

"Really? Where are they?" Darling asked.

"I'm wearing them sir," Baldrick replied.

"Oh geeze," Darling groaned. "Well then get my bags and the Lieutenant's."

"I can't do that sir," Baldrick protested.

"Why not?"

"Because they're back at headquarters sir."

"WHAT?!" Darling screamed. "WHAT ARE THEY DOING THERE?! WHY DIDN'T YOU PUT THEM IN THE CAR BEFORE WE LEFT?!"

"Well I was going to sir right after I finished looking at my election but you said to get in the car, so I didn't do it," Baldrick explained.

"Perfect! Just bloody perfect!" Darling threw his hands into the air. "This trip is off to a rousing start and the weekend has barely begun!"

"Oh come now sir, it's not that bad," George spoke up. "After all, things are bound to get better from here on in."

"Not bloody likely," Darling grumbled and angrily stomped up to the front door of the house. "Let's hurry up and get inside so I can find a bed and cry myself to sleep." He grabbed the brass doorknocker and banged it three times.

"Eh? Just a moment," the door opened revealing a plump elderly woman with dark brown hair. "Ah, Kevin! So good to see you!" she pulled Darling close and kissed him on the cheeks.

"Hello Aunt Josephine," Darling managed to smile slightly. "Sorry we're late. There was some...unexpected trouble finding the place."

"Ah, it's no problem," Josephine spoke in French-accented English. "Well, come in. Come in. Hurry before you catch a cold."

"Thank you," Darling bowed as the three British soldiers entered the house.

"And who are these gentlemen?" Josephine looked at George and Baldrick quizzically.

"Oh, ah, these are some...colleagues of mine," Darling stammered and turned toward them. "This is..."

"SQUIBBY!" a high pitched squeal was heard followed by the sound of running footsteps. A few seconds later a brown haired man who bore an uncanny resemblance to Darling burst into the room. The only differences were his clean shaven face, a large amount of curly hair and a happy twinkle in his eyes. "SQUIBBY! YOU'RE HERE! YOU'RE HERE!'

"Oh please Pierre, I told you to stop calling me...AAACCCKKK!" Darling yelped as Pierre wrapped him in a fierce bear hug.

"Squibby!" Pierre continued to hug him and shook him around wildly. "I'm so happy you're here! So happy, happy, happy!"

"Need...air!" Darling gasped while starting to turn blue. "Can't...breathe..."

"Pierre, let poor Kevin go!" Josephine scolded. "He looks likes he's about to faint."

"Sorry mama," Pierre released him.

"Ugh, my back," Darling groaned and barely managed to fall into a nearby chair. "And I thought the cows were bad."

"Cows?" Josephine blinked.

"Trust me, you don't want to know," Darling moaned.

"Well now, who's this fine looking chap?" George asked.

"Oh yes. Lieutenant, Private, this is my sixth cousin Pierre Percival de Darling," Darling gestured towards him. "And my 'Aunt' Josephine."

"Delighted to me you old boy!" George grabbed Pierre's hand and pumped it vigorously. "Say what's all this 'Squibby' business?"

"Oh no! Pierre don't tell him!" Darling groaned.

"Well it's a funny story really," Pierre grinned happily.

"He tells him anyway," Darling moaned.

"You see it's a combination of a couple of words," Pierre explained. "When we were kids we used to play near the sea. One day Squibby went and fell into a big tidal pool full of live squid and they attached themselves to his ribs and back so he leapt out howling like a banshee and crying for his mama!"

"Alright, that's enough. You don't have to go on," Darling tried to interrupt.

"And every time he'd bump or hit one of the squid with his arms it squirted him with ink until he looked like a human nib!" Pierre laughed and slapped George on the back. "Some of them even went and managed to climb onto his face and head! He tried pulling them away but ended up ripping off his pants and..."

"I SAID THAT'S ENOUGH!" Darling shouted.

"Kevin! Keep your voice down!" Josephine glared at him.

"Sorry Auntie," Darling apologized looking embarrassed.

"What is all the noise about down here?" a young woman with strawberry blonde hair entered the room dressed in a robe and nightgown. "Kevin! You finally made it!"

"Doris?!" Darling yelped at the sight of his girlfriend and tried to stand up, but quickly sank back into the chair. "Ow..."

"Oh Kevin!" Doris hurried over and flung her arms around him. "What happened?" She noticed his numerous injuries. "Did the Germans do this to you?"

"Actually what happened was..." Baldrick began.

"Shut up Private!" Darling snapped and turned towards Doris. "Yes, I was injured in the line of duty protecting vital military equipment from a vicious and brutal enemy."

"Wow. I never would have described it like that sir," George said shrugging.

"Be quiet Lieutenant," Darling hissed. "Doris what are you doing here?"

"I'm here to see you of course," Doris cooed while draped over him. "When your mother told me you had a weekend pass to visit relatives here I immediately made arrangements to come and see you."

"Really?" Darling blinked. "Maybe this trip won't be so bad after all."

"And who is this?" Doris asked looking at George. "And that smelly walking mudball next to him?"

"Yes Kevin, you've been here for nearly six minutes and still haven't introduced your friends here," Josephine motioned towards them.

"Oh yes," Darling grumbled. "Everyone this is Lieutenant George St. Barleigh and Private Baldrick, two...companions of mine."

"Well hello, bonjour and a hearty how do you do to everyone!" George chirped and waved his hand.

"Yeah, what he said," Baldrick pointed at George with his thumb.

"Why hello," Doris stood up and got close to George. "And what's a handsome fellow like you doing here?"

"What?" Darling gasped and nearly fell out of the chair.

"Oh I'm accompanying Captain Darling here on his little weekend excursion," George explained.

"Captain Darling, eh?" Pierre grinned. "Way to go Squibby! And to think you used to cry when we'd go sheep riding and they bit you on the bottom!"

"For the last time Pierre, stop calling me that absurd nickname!" Darling snapped. "And those sheep were killers! They were large, shaggy and had huge teeth!"

"Really?" George asked. "Well that does sound quite scary sir."

"Why do you keep calling him sir?" Pierre asked. "How about something flashier like CD."

"CD?" George repeated.

"Yeah. Captain Darling. CD. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?" Pierre asked. "Makes you think of something shiny and new."

"Oh come on Pierre, that is the lamest abbreviation I have ever heard," Darling scoffed. "CD, like that'll ever become popular for anything."

"That's enough arguing from you Kevin," Josephine shushed him. "Now you three must be hungry from your long trip," she motioned to Darling, George and Baldrick. "I wasn't able to save any supper for you since you arrived so late. However, if you'll come to the kitchen I can fix you a little something to eat."

"Well that's jolly nice of you ma'am," George said. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse, hooves, tail and all."

"Yeah, I love horse blood soup the way my mum used to make it," Baldrick added. "Though she usually couldn't find any dead horses so she'd use horse blood substitute."

"Really? That's sounds fascinating!" Pierre slung an arm around Baldrick's shoulder and led him into the kitchen.

"And I'd love to hear more about you," Doris giggled siding up to George and taking his arm. "You must have some great stories to tell about leading men into battle. Not like Kevin who stays behind counting pencils or whatever."

"What?" Darling yelped. "But...but Doris..."

"Oh I'm sure I can come up with an anecdote or two!" George grinned.

"And I'm make sure you come up with a few things in the back," Darling got up and followed after him with a twitch in his eye. "Right after I find out where Auntie keeps the steak knives."


	3. Sleepless Inn

**Sleepless Inn**

"Mmm, now that was a most satisfying supper," George praised as he wiped his chin with a napkin.

"So glad you enjoyed it," Josephine smiled as she cleared his plate.

"Need any help with the dishes?" Baldrick asked.

"Ah, no. It's perfectly alright," Josephine waved.

"Yes, having him clean dishes would be like washing fine china in a swamp," Kevin grumbled.

"Pierre, why don't you show everyone to a room while I finishing cleaning up," Josephine said while carrying a few more dishes to the sink.

"Are you sure you have enough room for us all?" George asked. "I mean you weren't expecting Baldrick and me to be here after all."

"It's no problem," Pierre waved. "The inn has lots of room."

"Inn? This is an inn?" George blinked.

"Not anymore," Josephine explained. "It used to be an inn back in the 1700's. Actually it was something less reputable, but our family changed that."

"Yeah, it's been in our family for generations," Pierre nodded excitedly. "My papa got it from his papa who got it from his papa who got it from his papa who got it from his papa who got it off some guy in a baccarat game."

"Oh, so your great something grandfather was a card sharp, was he?" George asked.

"No. He was a thief. He grabbed the deed to the inn after a brawl broke out and the previous owner got a dagger in the neck," Pierre explained.

"Well thank you Pierre for today's history lesson," Darling rolled his eyes and stood up. "Come on Lieutenant, Private. Let's go find some rooms."

"Yeah, let's go!" Pierre jumped up and slapped Darling on the back. "Come on Squibby!"

"Stop calling me that," Darling snapped as Pierre grabbed his arm and dragged him away.

"Sir, permission to make a request," Baldrick said as he, George and Doris followed them out of the room and up the stairs.

"What is it Private?" Darling sighed.

"May I bunk with you tonight?" Baldrick asked.

"Absolutely not!" Darling shouted. "Why in the world would I allow you do such a thing? Why do you need to bunk with anyone when you can have a whole room all to yourself?"

"Well, I'm just not used to being alone at night sir," Baldrick replied. "At home I always slept with with me mum and dad. And since the war started I've been bunking with Captain Blackadder and the Lieutenant."

"No problem Baldrick," Pierre let go of Darling and moved next to Baldrick. "You can stay with me in my room. We'll have loads of fun!"

"Really? Thank you sir," Baldrick smiled. "We can camp out and watch for ghosts and monsters together."

"Yeah, good idea," Pierre shivered. "You can never be too careful about ghosts and monsters. Especially with a dead body in the basement."

"What?" Darling twitched. "There's a dead** body** in the basement?"

"Oh yeah. Old Mrs. Beaujeu," Pierre nodded nervously. "She lived with us for a while after her husband was killed at Sedan."

"Oh so he was killed during the Franco-Prussian War?" Darling asked.

"No, Mrs. Beaujeu shot him after she found him in a barn there with another woman," Pierre explained. "Then she shot the woman and threw both their bodies down a well."

"Well imagine that," George blinked. "I mean killing someone just because they were close to your significant other. Can you believe it?"

"I can't," Doris sighed leaning against George's chest. "It's so tragic."

"I don't know. I think I have pretty good idea," Darling twitched with a dangerous look in his eye.

"Yeah, Mrs. Beaujeu was buried here beneath the basement floorboards," Pierre continued with the story. "She wanted to be close to Mr. Culant."

"And dare I ask who Mr. Culant is?" Darling looked at Pierre. "Please tell me he's not **another** dead body."

"Oh no. He's the rainbow pony who lives in the broken iron stove down there," Pierre waved. "At least that what she said."

"Of course," Darling groaned.

"Mr. Culant isn't a ghost is he?" Baldrick asked.

"No, he's not," Pierre assured him. "I know what ghosts and monsters are like. At night can I feel their evil eyes looking at me and then I call papa in to scare them all away. Usually they appear five or six times a night!"

"That reminds me Pierre, where is your father?" Doris asked.

"Oh he's in the army," Pierre said nervously. "Joined soon as the war started. He was so happy to leave the house. Said he'd finally be able to get a good night's sleep."

"Can't say I blame him," Darling muttered. "So which room's the best?"

"Oh that one at the end of the landing," Pierre pointed absently. "Come on Baldrick let's go prepare our defenses!"

"Yes sir!" Baldrick said following him into his room.

"Here George," Doris smiled as she lead him to the opposite end of the landing. "You can have the room next to mine. I'll show it to you."

"Well thank you very much," George grinned at her. "I'm looking forward to getting a little shut eye."

"What?" Darling yelped. "Now wait just a second..."

"Right in there," Doris cooed as she opened the door for George. "If you need anything just let me know."

"Oh I will, don't you worry," George nodded his head excitedly. "Well, time to hit to sack. Good night ma'am. Captain." He entered the room and closed the door.

"Good night you adorable thing you," Doris smiled as she went to her room.

"Doris!" Darling shouted and ran across the landing. He started pounding on her door. "Doris I need to talk to you!"

"Not now Kevin," Doris called out. "It's late. Talk to me tomorrow, alright?"

"But...but," Darling sputtered.

"Good night Kevin," Doris said.

"Aaarrrggghhh!" Darling stomped off to his room. "I can't stand it!" He got undressed and crawled into bed. "I'm going to have nightmares tonight. At least they'll be more pleasant than the nightmare I live when I'm awake."

A short while later Darling became aware of a warm presence resting on his shoulder. "Oh, so you decided to drop in after all," Darling grinned and opened his eyes, only to see two glowing orbs staring at him from the darkness. "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"SQUEEEEEE!" the thing on his shoulder cried and jumped off.

"OH MY GOSH! WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?!" Darling screamed and drew the blankets up over his head.

"I'M COMING SQUIBBY!" Pierre burst into the room branishing a broom. He spied Darling wiggling underneath the blankets. "AAAHHHHHH! A BLOB MONSTER ATE SQUIBBY!" He started beating the blankets with his broom. "DIE! DIE! DIE!"

"OW! OW! OW!" Darling wailed as he was whacked repeatedly. "PIERRE KNOCK IT OFF! IT'S ME!" He threw the blankets off him.

"Oh Squibby! You're alive! You're alive!" Pierre yelled and gave him a big hug. "I saved you from the evil blob monster!"

"Pierre, that was me underneath a blanket!" Darling groaned and held his side painfully. "Oh, I think you crushed my kidney!"

"Oops! Sorry Squibby," Pierre apologized nervously and patted Darling on the back. "I heard you yelling and thought you saw a monster."

"No, I saw that!" Darling shouted pointing at something in the corner. "What the heck is that thing?"

"Oh, that's just my pet ferret Robert," Pierre said walking over and picking up the ferret.

"You pet **ferret**?!" Darling yelped. "Why do you have a pet ferret?"

"Because mama wouldn't let me keep a leopard," Pierre said petting his ferret. "Don't worry. Robert just likes to curl up and share body heat."

"Well so do I except I prefer to do it with a member of my own species!" Darling shouted throwing on his uniform top. "Speaking of which I'm going to go remedy that right now!"

"AAARRRGGGHHH! MR. PIERRE!" Baldrick called out down the hall. "THERE'S A GHOST IN THE LAVATORY!"

"Oh no!" Pierre shouted setting down Robert and gripping his broom. "Don't worry Squibby! I'll protect you!" He ran out the room.

"Oh geeze," Darling groaned and made his way down the landing. "It's amazing Auntie hasn't woken up from all this racket. Oh, that's right. She's a real heavy sleeper. I found that out at the family reunion at London Zoo eighteen years ago. Elephants and ostriches and tigers were running all over the place due to Pierre's little 'accident' and there Auntie was, curled up on a bench snoring like a lumber mill."

Darling reached Doris' room and knocked on the door. "Oh Doris." He grabbed the doorknob and slowly opened the door. "Guess who decided to drop in my little..." he stopped at the sight in front of him.

"Oh, hello Captain!" George waved as he lay shirtless on the bed, chest down. Doris was dressed in a white nightgown and was kneeling next to him while rubbing his shoulders. "My, you're up late aren't you?"

"WHAT THE HECK IS GOING HERE?!" Darling shouted.

"Be quiet Kevin," Doris shushed him while continuing to rub George's shoulders. "Poor George here couldn't sleep so I offered to give him a back massage."

"She's really quite good at it too sir," George grinned. "Got a load of built up tension out of my system. My back felt like it was tied in knots."

"I'll tie you in a knot!" Darling growled with murder in his eyes.

"GRRRRRR!" Robert the ferret jumped up from behind Darling and landed on his head.

"AAARRRGGGHHH! GET THIS FURBALL OFF ME!" Darling screamed and ran around tried to pry the ferret off his head.

"You could have at least had the courtesy to shut the door," Doris said getting up and closing it. "Now, where were we George?"

"WAAAUUUGGGHHH! MY EYE!" Darling yelled while blindly running around the landing. "YEEEOOOWWW! THAT HURTS! NO DON'T BITE ME! HELP! I GOT RABIES!"

"Look! Robert's caught a monster!" Pierre shouted as he and Baldrick emerged from the bathroom. Baldrick was still dressed in his uniform and was carrying a sponge mop. "Get him!"

"NO YOU IDIOTS! IT'S ME...OW! OW! OW!" Darling cried as Pierre and Baldrick started wailing on him.

"EVIL MONSTER! GO AWAY! GO AWAY!" Baldrick yelled smacking Darling on the back while Robert skillfully avoided being hit.

"GAHHHHHH!" Darling cried as he was chased around and fell down the stairs. "OW! OW! AND I THOUGHT NIGHTS WITH THE GENERAL WERE BAD! OW! OW! OW!"


	4. And the Fun Just Keeps Coming

**And the Fun Just Keeps Coming**

"Good Morning Kevin," Josephine said as she sat at the kitchen table nursing a cup of tea. "Actually, it's 'Good Afternoon' seeing that it's a little before one."

"Oh my head," Darling groaned as he stumbled into the kitchen. "What a night! The Ghost Thwacking Twins nearly beat me to death thinking I was a monster. Then they almost finished the job trying to wash and nurse me back to health! I will never look at a scrub brush the same way again!"

"Oh come now Captain. I had a magnificent night," George grinned as he sat and ate brunch.

"Really?" Darling twitched and took a seat. "Tell me what you did Lieutenant."

"Oh well, you know that Doris gave me an absolutely wonderful massage," George explained munching on some toast. "Did the shoulders, back, legs, etc. Her hands must have worked over just about every inch of me."

"I see," Darling gritted his teeth and started toying with a knife.

"Yes. However, I was so relaxed I fell asleep while she was kneading my neck," George said happily. "Had a spiffingly enjoyable dream too. Lots of bunnies everywhere eating a big strawberry shortcake with cream and custard."

"Oh joy," Darling drawled and helped himself to some food. "And was Doris with you when you woke up?"

"No, of course not sir," George scoffed. "Since I slept in her bed she went and slept in mine."

"Thank goodness," Darling muttered under his breath.

"She's out shopping or something right now," George said finishing off his toast. "Said she was looking forward to listening to more war stories when she got back."

"How nice," Darling grunted sarcastically. "I'm sure **I'll** be able to entertain her quite well thank you."

"Hey Squibby!" Pierre entered the room and slapped Darling on the back. "About time you got up. Come on, Baldrick and I have a whole day full of fun planned in the back yard!"

"I can hardly restrain myself," Darling mocked taking a sip of tea. "As much as I'd like to indulge myself in such stimulating mental activities I'd rather just sit here and wallow in my everlasting woe."

"Oh come on Squibby!" Pierre got on his knees and hugged Darling's legs. "Please, please, please! I've been so looking forward to playing with you while you're here! I've missed playing with you so much! No one else ever plays with me! Well no one who's still alive anyway."

"Oh geeze," Darling groaned.

"Please, please, please!" Pierre wailed holding Darling tightly. "I wanna play! I wanna play! Wahhhhhh!"

"Stop that at once!" Josephine shouted at Pierre's display of affection. "You're acting like a spoiled child! Don't worry. Kevin is more than happy to play with you today. That's why he came."

"Auntie, please. Don't make me," Darling protested.

"Kevin!" Josephine glared at him dangerously.

"Uh, yes ma'am," Darling gulped and took a last bite of food. "Alright Pierre, I'll play with you."

"You will? Yay!" Pierre jumped up and did a happy dance.

"Come on. Let's get this over with," Darling grumbled getting up.

"So long chaps! Don't worry about a thing. I'll make sure to greet Doris when she comes back," George called out after them.

"On second thought, come with us Lieutenant," Darling did and about face and grabbed George's arm. "We'd love to have you join us. Some of Pierre's games need four people to play."

"Really? Well slap me with a saddle and put a bridle on my head. Let's go!" George cheered as he and Darling followed Pierre to the back yard.

"Ah, kids," Josephine sighed and sipped her tea. "So innocent and full of energy."

"FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE NO!" Darling was heard screaming in the distance. "PIERRE I AM NOT PLAYING BEAN BAGS WITH YOU AGAIN! THE LAST TIME WE PLAYED I ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL WITH A BROKEN ARM AND A RUPTURED SPLEEN!"

CRASH!

"PRIVATE! STOP WAVING THAT LACROSSE STICK EVERYWHERE! NO THAT'S NOT WHERE THE NET PART GOES! AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT USING IT TO PICK UP **THAT**!"

"I'm back!" Doris skipped into the kitchen with a large basket under one arm. "Where is everyone?"

"Oh the boys are out playing in the back yard," Josephine explained. "Let them be. It's good for them. Have a little male bonding time."

"GET AWAY FROM ME PRIVATE!" Darling shouted. "I AM NOT GIVING YOU A PIGGY-BACK RIDE! AND YOU'D BETTER NOT TRY AND GIVE ME ONE EITHER!"

"Pity," Doris sighed slipping into a chair. "I was so looking forward to spending some time with Lieutenant George."

"Yes, he seems like a nice, intelligent young man," Josephine said.

"SPIT THAT OUT LIEUTENTANT! IT IS NOT A SCONE!" Darling shrieked. "OW! OW! PIERRE STOP THROWING THEM AT ME! OW! OW! OW!"

"Pierre seems a little lonely," Doris noted. "It is awfully nice of Kevin to come here and be with him."

"I know. They've always gotten along well together," Josephine smiled. "And Kevin is very understanding."

"NO WE ARE NOT HAVING ANY WHEELBARROW RACES!" Darling yelled. "I DON'T CARE IF YOU JUST GAVE THEM A TUNE UP! WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN!"

"You think it would be alright if I went out there and watched?" Doris asked.

"No. You know boys. Never like anyone to bother them when they're having fun," Josephine replied.

"LET ME OUT OF THIS THING!" Darling screamed. "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING! LOOK OUT FOR THE TREE! DON'T TRY TO JUMP THAT DITCH! AAAHHHHHH!"

"Ah, I love the sound of children at play," Josephine sighed.


	5. Let's Go to a Tavern

**Let's Go to a Tavern**

"Boy that was fun!" Pierre cheered as everyone sat around the kitchen table later that day. "What did you think Squibby?"

"Ohhh," Darling moaned as he slumped in his chair and laid his head on the table.

"I had a jolly good time!" George grinned sitting next to Pierre. "Sure we had a little accident near the end, but everything turned out all right."

"A little accident?!" Darling gave him a look. "Lieutenant, the whole back yard caught on fire! The tool shed went up in smoke and burned to the ground in under ten minutes!"

"Well, yes but it could have happened to anyone," George shrugged.

"Yes, anyone else who keeps a supply of gunpowder and lamp oil from the eighteen hundreds in a tool shed and forgets about it!" Darling snapped. "And then throws a torch into the shed just for fun!"

"I was caught up in the moment," Pierre protested. "I thought it was a runaway train that was coming to squash you where we tied you to the water pump."

"Oh yes, thank you for reminding me of that lovely experience," Darling groaned. "We're just lucky it started to downpour right away otherwise the whole county would have gone up in flames."

"I don't know, I kinda liked being out there in the rain and all," Baldrick said sitting next to Darling covered in mud. "Kinda reminds me of being in the trenches."

"And that's just what I came here for," Darling mocked. "To be reminded of being in the war. That's what every soldier dreams of when he goes on leave. To be reminded of the very place he left to get away from."

"Too bad the top was down on the General's car," Baldrick commented. "The inside is all wet and filled with water. And it flooded the box the wireless was in."

"Thank you Private for that cheery reminder," Darling moaned and hit his head against the table. "The General is going to kill me when I get back."

"Oh now don't you worry about a thing sir," George waved. "I'm sure General Melchett will understand."

"Yes, I'll just tell him we found a beached dolphin along the road and had to flood the car in order to transport it to the sea," Darling rolled his eyes.

"Really?" Pierre's eyebrows shot up. "Neat! I wanna see the dolphin! I wanna see the dolphin!"

"Later Pierre. Much, much later," Darling moaned and buried his head against the table. "Right now I just want to sit and cry at the colossal joke that is my life."

"Aw, come on Squibby," Pierre patted him on the back. "I don't want you to be all sad and gloomy. I know! How about all us guys go into town and find a tavern. It's stopped raining and it's early evening and we can party all night!"

"Pierre, you know how I feel about you going to places like that," Josephine warned him.

"Oh please mama! It's a special occasion! For Squibby, please!" Pierre begged and made a pair of puppy dog eyes.

"Well, alright," Josephine sighed.

"Yay!" Pierre squealed and jumped in his seat. "Come on Squibby, let's go!"

"No! No! No!" Darling shouted raising his head from the table. "There is no way on Earth I'm going to a seedy, unkempt taphouse with you three! I've spent the last twenty four hours having my sanity drained away and I'm not doing it again tonight! We are all staying here and that's final!"

"Thank goodness," Doris sighed and nuzzled up next to George. "The two of us can finally spend some time alone and get to know each other better."

"Come on Lieutenant!" Darling jumped up and dragged George out of his chair. "Let's go hit the tavern!"

"But sir I thought you said..." George began.

"Out! Out! Out!" Darling practically shoved George out the front door. "Come on Pierre, Private! Let's go, go, go!"

"Whoopie!" Pierre cheered as the four men pilled into the General's soggy car and pulled away from the inn. "Tavern here we come!"

"Oh. Bugger," Doris sighed as the car sped out of sight.

Half and hour later the guys were all sitting around a table in a cozy tavern. There was a fair sized crowd and a piano playing in the corner.

"I say, this is fun sir!" George squealed as he bopped his head to the piano tune. "How about we go take in a billiards game or two?"

"Good idea!" Pierre grinned and leaned back in his chair. "Don't worry about a thing tonight. I'm buying so get whatever you want!"

"I already have," Baldrick said chewing on something. "The food here is pretty good."

"What are you eating Private? We haven't been served yet," Darling asked.

"I'm not quite sure sir," Baldrick replied. "I found it stuck to the bottom of the table. It was hard at first but softened up after few good chews."

"Oh geeze," Darling groaned. "Private have you ever heard of indigestion?"

"No sir. But if you whistle a few notes I might recognize it," Baldrick said.

"Ah, here we are," Pierre grinned as a waiter came by and placed a bottle of brandy and four glasses on the table. "Everybody get a glass of the water of life!"

"Oh no you don't!" Darling grabbed the bottle and moved it away from Pierre.

"Come on sir, don't keep it all to yourself," George said.

"Forget it Lieutenant!" Darling snapped pouring himself a glass. "The last thing any of you need is to get drunk and start acting even more foolish and out of control than you usually do. Besides if anyone deserves to have a drink it's me!" He threw back the glass and poured himself another.

"Aw, forget Squibby," Pierre scoffed. "He's just mad because he lost the wheelbarrow race."

"Yeah. I lost two teeth and about three years of my life," Darling spat and took another drink. "If the dumb things hadn't been wrecked I would have lost what was left of my sanity."

"Come on Baldrick," Pierre said getting up. "Let's go play a game of cups and try and find some napkin rings!"

"Yay!" Baldrick cheered and went off with Pierre.

"Oh boy," Darling groaned finishing off his drink. "I think I just found out the real reason Blackadder keeps trying to get out of the trenches. It's to get away from Baldrick!"

"Hey, look at me!" George had taken a nearby empty basket and placed it on his head. "I'm Sherlock Holmes!"

"And the Lieutenant," Darling sighed. "Cut that out!"

"Sorry sir. Won't happen again," George blushed and took off the basket.

"Make sure that it doesn't," Darling grumbled and poured himself another glass of brandy. "My gosh, I feel like a children's nanny. But someone has to keep a clear head around here."

--------------------------------------

Twenty minutes later...

"WAHOOOOOO!" Darling whooped as he danced on top of the table. He had somehow managed to get his hands on a sombrero and had a feather boa draped around his shoulders. "EVERYBODY MAMBO!"

"Snakes alive! I didn't know Captain Darling was such a good dancer," George said as he sat back and watched Darling kick up his heels.

"Hey look! There's Squibby!" Pierre called out as he and Baldrick walked over with their hands full of napkin rings. "Alright! Go Squibby! Go Squibby!"

"DANCE MY PEOPLE DANCE!" Darling laughed maniacally and took a swig from the brandy bottle in his hand. Two other empty bottles sat on the table which he quickly kicked into the crowed. "HAHAHAHAHA! I AM THE FOOTBALL KING!"

SMASH! TINKLE! TINKLE!

"Hey, watch it you drunken English cuckoo!" a patron called out.

"Looks like the Captain is having a good time sir," Baldrick commented to George.

"He certainly is!" George smiled as someone tried to pull Darling off the table only to be kicked in the face. "Boy, and I thought Charlie Chaplin films were wild!"

"_It's a long way to __Tipperary__!_" Darling sang drunkenly. "_It's a long way to go! It's a long way to __Tipperary__! And the other words I don't know!_"

"Yeah!" Pierre cheered and threw napkin rings everywhere. "Party! Party! Party!"

"Watch me! I can fly! Look out Red Baron, here I come!" Darling giggled and leapt off the table backwards.

CRASH!

"Ah, a party with performance art," George grinned while Darling's unconscious form lay sprawled out on the floor. "Ya gotta love it!"

* * *

**Note: I do not own the song "It's a Long Way to Tipperary".**


	6. Back to the Front

**Back to the Front**

"Ohhh," Darling groaned as he slowly opened his eyes. He was lying in bed with a large bandage on his head. "What happened? Oh my eyes. I must be dying. My head hurts. My stomach hurts. Everything hurts. There is no way I could be in more pain than I am now."

"Good morning sir!" Baldrick said and he George entered the room. Baldrick was still covered with mud from the previous day and was carrying a tray. "The Lieutenant and I have brought you breakfast."

"Of course I could," Darling moaned. "Will you stop talking so loud?"

"How are you feeling today Captain? All good and rested after last night?" George chirped happily.

"More like in agonizing torment on the verge of death," Darling groaned and held a hand to his head. "Does it have to be so bright in here? Where am I anyway?"

"Oh don't worry sir. You're at your aunt's house," George explained. "We brought you back last night after you passed out."

"Passed out?" Darling repeated, his head swimming in pain. "What happened last night? I remember having a glass of brandy then...oh no!"

"Well you put on quite a show for us all," George grinned fondly. "I must admit I never knew you could do that with a candle and a pair of old suspenders."

"Oh geeze," Darling moaned and shut his eyes. "I want to die."

"Here, have some breakfast sir," Baldrick said placing the tray in front of him. "Look, there's some toast and some onion and even a bit of sausage."

"Ugh," Darling groaned. "Just looking at that makes me want to vomit. That is if there's anything left in my stomach to vomit."

"Come on sir," George encouraged. "You'd better eat up. We're leaving right after you finish eating."

"Thank goodness," Darling sighed and took a bite of food. "At least there's one thing I can count on to go right today."

"That's it sir. Always look on the bright side of things," George grinned.

"I'm surprised you were able to find any sausage Private, what with war shortages and all," Darling said as he ate. "Where did you get it?"

"Just made use of the local resources sir," Baldrick replied.

"Hey, has anyone seen Robert?" Pierre was heard calling out. "I thought I saw him in the kitchen."

"GAHHHHHH!" Darling spat out the contents of his month. "OH NO! I'VE BEEN POISONED!"

"Careful there sir," George said as he watched Darling spit out a few more remainders of food. "You eat too fast and you're bound to choke on something."

"Oh my gosh," Darling moaned and put a hand on his stomach. "I'm going to be sick."

"Hey Squibby!" Pierre walked into the room with Robert the ferret perched on his shoulders. "How you doing?"

"What?" Darling blinked at the ferret. "But...if he's...and Baldrick made...then what is..."

"Looks like you're all ready to go," Pierre said. "The car's all set and mama and Doris are waiting to say goodbye."

"That's...that's wonderful," Darling managed to get out. "We'll be down in a few minutes."

"Great," Pierre nodded and turned to leave. "By the way Baldrick, did you take care of that big rat I found in the bathtub?"

"Yes sir. I put it to good use," Baldrick replied proudly.

"AAARRRGGGHHH!" Darling screamed and ran out of the room. "WHERE'S SOME SOAP! I NEED TO WASH MY MOUTH WITH SOAP RIGHT NOW!"

"What's the matter with him?" George blinked confusingly.

"Maybe he's going to say some dirty words and needs to wash them out," Baldrick suggested. "That's what my mum always did when I said dirty words. Though she never did have any soap so she used soap substitute. Good thing we lived near a fish market and got all the used heads."

"AAAHHHHHH! UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!" Darling was heard shouting from the bathroom. "IF I EVER NEEDED TO VOMIT THIS IS THE TIME! WAAAUUUGGGHHH!"

A short while later everyone gathered out in front of the house to say goodbye. "Goodbye Kevin," Josephine kissed Darling on the cheeks. "It was so nice having you here."

"Yes. Wonderful," Darling groaned and gave her a hug.

"So long everyone!" George waved. "Goodbye, adieu and bon voyage till next time!"

"Yeah, I had a great time," Baldrick nodded his head. "We should do it again soon."

"Not in this lifetime you won't," Darling hissed under his breath.

"Goodbye Squibby!" Pierre bawled and gave Darling a fierce hug. "I'll miss you!"

"Yes...I know..." Darling gasped and tried to suck in air. "Please...let go..."

"Come on Pierre," Doris gently extracted Darling from Pierre's clutches. "I'm so glad I was able to see you here Kevin. I wish you could have stayed longer."

"So do I," Darling managed a weak smile. "Maybe next time we can meet somewhere alone and catch up on things."

"That would be nice," Doris smiled back. "And if you brought Lieutenant George with you it would be even nicer."

"What?!" Darling yelped.

"Well that sounds like a marvelous idea!" George said cheerfully. "I'd love to accompany the Captain again."

"Good. Here's something to make sure you remember me by," Doris said leaning toward him.

"Sorry, no time!" Darling shouted and dragged George away. "Must be going now! Goodbye!"

"Ta ta everyone!" George waved as Darling stumbled towards the car.

"Kevin, I don't think you should be driving," Josephine said stepping up to him. "You have a nasty bump on the head and I wouldn't want you to have an accident."

"Nonsense, I'm in perfect condition to control an automobile," Darling snapped and steadied himself against the car door. "Just as soon as everything stops spinning."

"Come on Kevin, get in the back," Josephine guided him to the rear of the car.

"But Auntie!" Darling tried to protest. "This is the General's car! If I don't bring it back in good shape then..."

"Kevin!" Josephine glared at him.

"Yes Auntie," Darling gulped and meekly climbed into the back seat.

"Well here we go! Ready for another jolly car ride through the countryside!" George grinned and got in the car. "I can't wait to be off!"

"I can," Darling groaned and sank into the seat. "Wait a minute." He noticed George sitting next to him. "If you're back here then that means..."

"Brace yourselves sirs," Baldrick said sitting in the driver's seat. "Here we go!"

"WHAT?! PRIVATE DON'T YOU DARE GOOOOOOOOOO!" Darling screamed as Baldrick revved the engine and tore away from the house, tearing up dirt as he went.

"Bye Squibby!" Pierre called out sadly after him. "Have a good ride back!"

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Darling yelled as Baldrick shot down the road.

"Jeepers this is fun!" George whooped with a big smile on his face. "I bet aeroplanes don't go this fast!"

"SLOW DOWN! SLOW DOWN!" Darling screamed as he and George were slammed back in their seats. "LOOK OUT FOR THE CART!"

"Don't worry sir. I see it!" Baldrick said as he barely missed the horse-drawn cart, spooking the horse and causing it to run off the road.

"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!" Darling yelped as the car swerved back and forth, jostling everyone in the car.

"I know where I'm going!" Baldrick called back. "I just don't know how to get there!"

"This is so invigorating!" George chirped happily. "Really gets the blood pumping!"

"More like the complete opposite!" Darling whimpered as the car hit a bump and went sailing through the air. "AAARRRGGGHHH! I'M GONNA HAVE A HEART ATTACK!"

"Hey, get out of the way!" Baldrick shouted as a couple walking along the road hovered into view.

"YAAAHHHHHH!" the couple shouted as they just barely managed to avoid the car by diving into a muddy ditch.

"Aw, that's not a very nice thing to say," George commented as the couple yelled at them. "And that gesture isn't very kind either."

"Why didn't I bring my revolver?" Darling moaned while clutching the seat so hard his knuckles turned white. "I knew I should have brought my revolver."

"Hold on!" Baldrick warned as he turned a sharp corner.

"SO I COULD SHOOT THE INSANE DRIVER!" Darling screamed as only two wheels touched the road. "PRIVATE HIT THE BRAKE!"

"What brake?" Baldrick said. "I don't see anything broken."

"How about my nerves," Darling's eye twitched like mad. "WATCH IT! WATCH IT!"

CRASH!

"Oops!" Baldrick said as the car veered off the road and smashed through a wooden fence. "Taking a slight detour sir. No problem."

"MOO!"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Darling shrieked as the car entered a field full of cows. "NOT MORE COWS! ANYTHING BUT MORE COWS!"

"Oh no! Get out of the way!" Baldrick shouted as he weaved in and out between cows.

"I say sir. Looks like one them is following us!" George said looked back.

"What?" Darling gasped. "I can't turn my head! Too much force!"

"There's a very large cow following us," George explained. "He's got a huge set of horns and a ring through his nose."

"LIEUTENANT THAT'S A BULL!" Darling screamed.

"MOO-OOOOOO!"

"Ah. Well toro, toro to you!" George called after it.

"Don't worry sir. I'll make sure he doesn't catch us," Baldrick promised and stepped on the accelerator.

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!" Darling yelled as the car sped up even more.

"He's falling back now sir," George said facing front again.

"Probably got a whiff of Baldrick and passed out," Darling moaned. "Gosh I envy him!"

CRASH!

"Sorry about that sir," Baldrick said as they drove through another fence. "It won't happen again...uh oh."

"UH OH?!" Darling yelped. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'UH-OH'...AAARRRGGGHHH!" he screamed as the car sped into an open barn.

SMASH!

"BUCK-AWWWWWW!"

"YAAAHHHHHH!"

POOF!

"HREUHHHHHH!"

WHAM!

DING-A-LING-A-LING!

"WAAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!"

CRASH!

The car broke through the back wall of the barn covered in hay and chickens.

"PTEWWWIE!" Darling spat out a mouthful off feathers. "YEOOWWW! GET THESE CHICKENS OFF ME! OW! OW! OW! THOSE CLAWS ARE SHARP! OW! OW! OW!"

"Look, one left me an egg!" Baldrick held it up as Darling threw chickens out of the car. "Whoops!" He lost he grip on it.

SPLAT!

"I can't see!" Baldrick shouted as blindly tried to steer with his face covered with egg.

"AAAHHHHHH!" Darling screamed as they entered a town and shot down streets, scattering people right and left. "PRIVATE GET OFF THE SIDEWALK! LOOK OUT FOR THE LAMPOST! NO DON'T GO DOWN THAT STREET! WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH ROOM! AAARRRGGGHHH!"

SMASH!

"Well there is now," George grinned as the car sped through town.

"I can see again!" Baldrick blinked while randomly turning the wheel. "Don't worry. I'm in full control."

"LOOK OUT FOR THAT STONE WALL!" Darling shrieked.

"Yes sir!" Baldrick made a sharp turn. "See? We missed it."

CRASH!

"And smashed into another building," Baldrick said knocking over some furniture. "Well, this isn't so bad."

"ARE YOU CRAZY?! THIS IS A NUN'S CONVENT!" Darling screamed.

"AAAHHHHHH!" several nuns yelled as they ran for their lives out of the way.

"DEMONS!" one nun shouted and crossed herself.

WHOOSH!

"THEY'RE IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM!" a nun yelled as she hid behind a washtub while clothes flew through the air.

"Ahhh!" George was hit in the face with a flying habit. "Oh goodie! They're giving out free gifts!"

CRASH!

"We're back on the road again," Baldrick reported as they left the convent.

"I'm going to die," Darling moaned. "My life has flashed before my eyes. Twice!"

"Thanks for the costume!" George waved back at the nuns.

"Look, there's a guard post up ahead," Baldrick called out. "We must be nearing headquarters."

"Thank goodness!" Darling groaned. "The sooner I get out of this evil thing the better!"

"HEY! GET BACK YOU! THIS IS A HIGH LEVEL...AAAHHHHHH!" the guards shouted as the car zoomed past the guard post.

"I say, this doesn't look like headquarters," George looked around at the empty field.

BOOM!

"AAAHHHHHH!" Darling screamed as something exploded a short distance from the car. "WHAT WAS THAT?!"

"Maybe we wandered into a minefield," George suggested.

"WHAT?!" Darling yelped.

"Naw, I saw a sign back there," Baldrick waved. "Said you're now entering an art hilly field."

"Well, that's strange," George thought. "Must be a bunch of statues on dirt mounds or something."

"YOU IDIOT! WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ARTILLERY RANGE!" Darling shouted in horror.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Darling screamed as shells exploded all around them.

"This is so exciting!" George squealed as they jumped over a crater. "Just like being in the war!"

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"GET US OUTTA HERE!" Darling shrieked, his face covered in sweat.

"Yes sir," Baldrick turned and zoomed away from more explosions.

SMASH!

"Well, we got of there just fine," George said as they crashed through a barbed wire fence. "See Captain. We're now off the artillery range."

KRUUUMMMMMM!

"And have moved onto a tank range," George finished as several large tanks appeared into view.

KA-BOOOOM!

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Darling went white as Baldrick zoomed around the field avoiding the tanks.

RA-TATATATATATATATATATA!

"I've never been this close to a tank," George said as the car weaved between two tanks, their machine guns blazing.

"Neither have I and I wish I never will again!" Darling whimpered.

KA-BOOOOM! KA-BOOOOM! KA-BOOOOM!

"Hey, look at that one!" Baldrick said turning his head around.

"EYES FRONT PRIVATE!" Darling screamed as they headed straight towards an incoming tank. "WATCH OUT!"

RA-TATATATATATATATATATA!

"Wheeeeee!" George whooped as Baldrick turned away at the last second. "That was marvelous! Incredible! What did you think sir?"

"I think I'm going into shock!" Darling moaned. "I can't feel my arms! I can't feel my pulse! I'm turning blue!"

KA-BOOOOM! KA-BOOOOM! KA-BOOOOM!

"Hey, I bet ya five quid we can get clear of that tank before it squashes us," Baldrick said.

"I'll take that bet," George grinned. "Hit it!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Darling almost fainted as Baldrick gunned the engine, shot in front of the tank and zoomed past it right before it ran them over.

"Nuts!" George snapped his fingers. "I wish I'd won that bet."

"ARE YOU INSANE?!" Darling screamed at him. "WHAT AM I SAYING?! OF COURSE YOU'RE INSANE! BOTH OF YOU ARE INSANE! AND IF THIS RIDE LASTS ANY LONGER I'LL GO INSANE!"

CRASH!

"Boy, I'd hate to think what all this crashing through things is doing to the paint job," George said as they ran through another barbed wire fence.

"You don't think period!" Darling yelped as they leapt over a small rise and hit the road once more.

HONK! HONK!

"Hey, where'd all these cars come from?" Baldrick asked as he swerved around the crowded road causing several cars to crash into each other.

"AAAHHHHHH!" several British infantry squads dived out of the way and climbed up nearby trees.

SMASH!

"Look, we're here!" George pointed as the car ran through the iron gates surrounding headquarters.

"Where should I park sir?" Baldrick asked speeding by the front entrance.

"Try the hospital," Darling moaned. "Or the cemetery. Either works for me!"

CRUNNNCCHHH!

The car ran into a large ditch. George and Darling were sent flying out the back while Baldrick went head-first through the windshield.

SMASH!

WHAM! WHAM!

THUD!

"Yippee! Now that was a wonderfully fun time!" George grinned while lying on some grass. "And look. I got a new set of clothes!"

"Ohhh," Darling blinked as he lay sprawled out on the ground. "Ooo, the light. Bright light. I hear something. Is that you grandma? Have you come to take me to be with you and the angels?"

"Everything alright sir?" Baldrick asked climbing out of the ditch with the car's steering wheel around his head.

"Look at me!" George smiled as he put on the nun's habit over his uniform. "What do you think? Looks good on me, eh?"

"Where am I?" Darling groaned and painfully rolled over. "Land? LAND!" He yelped and hugged the ground. "Beautiful, beautiful land! Never again will I leave you!" He started kissing it.

"Come on sir. We have to go report to the General," George said. "At least we made good time."

"Oh course we did! We went and broke the sound barrier!" Darling snapped as he slowly got to his feet. "I should call that German scientist Albert Einstein. If he wants to test his theory of relativity all he has to do is take a car ride with Baldrick!"

"I don't know sir. My mum might not like me riding with a German," Baldrick commented.

"Oh geeze!" Darling groaned and wobbled towards the headquarters entrance. "I actually feel sorry for Blackadder. If he has to put up with you two all the time no wonder he's such a jerk!"

Darling stumbled through the building until he came to General Melchett's office and practically fell into the room.

"Darling! You're a mess!" Melchett exclaimed while sitting behind his desk with bandages on his legs and head. Blackadder stood next to him with his arm in a cast.

"Well, we had some slight car trouble sir," Darling said carefully right before George and Baldrick entered the room.

"I see we're not the only ones who had a fun weekend," Blackadder said looking at their appearances. "Baldrick, nice to see you've added some more mud to your collection. George...never mind. What happened to you?"

"Don't ask. Please. I never want to talk about it again," Darling groaned and looked at Blackadder's arm. "Bat attack?"

"Yup," Blackadder confirmed. "Well if you don't mind, I'll just take the terrible twosome here back with me. All right you two, go wait outside!" George and Baldrick left.

"So you're back to the trenches, eh Blackadder?" Melchett asked.

"Yes sir," Blackadder turned and left muttering to himself. "It's safer."

"Glad to see you again Darling," Melchett said folding his hands in front of him. "All rested are we?"

"Not...quite sir," Darling said slowly.

"Good, good," Melchett nodded. "I need your help for a special assignment. I seem to have misplaced my wireless and I want you to find it!"

Darling looked at him for a full minute. "I...I understand sir. I'll get on it right away." He turned to leave.

"Splendid!" Melchett grinned. "I'll be leaving for a meeting with General Haig in five minutes so tell my driver to get my car ready on your way out."

"Yes sir," Darling quietly left the room, closed the doors and let out a bloodcurdling scream. "**AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" **He began to violently pound his head against the wall. "**WHY DO THINGS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?! WHY? WHY? WHY?**"

_And so the dreaded weekend ends,_

_With scars both physical and mental!_

_For now insanity descends,_

_Unless there comes another sequel!_

_Blackadder, Blackadder,_

_May be under a curse!_

_Blackadder, Blackadder,_

_Things are bound to get worse!_

_Poor Darling, poor Darling,_

_Your leave time was a flop!_

_Poor Darling, poor Darling,_

_Madness will never stop!_


End file.
